Somethin' about nothin'

I’ve wanted to speak French ever since I can remember. It ranks up there with My Dreams of a Doorman. When I was young my dreams of growing up did not include a white picket fence. For me, I wanted the big city life, to feel the buzz of everyone moving around me, the freedom for anyone to express themselves, and to be able to travel overseas and not sound like “those dumb Americans”. Yes, that was my dream.

How am I doing with that you ask? Well, I took French in high school where my biggest accomplishment took place towards the end of the year. The class was dissected into several groups and each group was responsible for coming up with an original skit and performing that skit completely in French. My group decided to do our own version of Married With Children, and I of course played the role of Peg Bundy. Why? Because I’m tall with red hair, so obviously that means that I can naturally whine out a loud “Alll-ll-l” as I walk into the room with bad clothes and high heels. Yes…that was my greatest accomplishment.

Years later I decided to try out the Rosetta Stone. I lost the cd after a few short weeks.

Now again, years later, I stumbled across the Application CD!  Woo Hoo!  I’m re-inspired! I will no longer be one of those “dumb Americans” who knows no language other than their own. I WILL BE RE-BORN!!

What?

I’m excited!

I load the software, launch the app, and nothing! ummm…try again, and again. Ugh. I have Etienne look and still nothing…only he actually read the error message which stated I had the wrong disc in it. After reading the directions again we learned that I am still short a cd.

Nooo! I’m crushed! How will I ever realize my dream???

Wait…it’s on sale for $100 off and Amazon can have it to me before the end of the week. Is this finally the answer I’ve been looking for? This software is never on sale! Oh…beautiful Amazon. You are my hero!

Will I be able to finally learn French? I’m so excited at the possibilities! How many countries will I now need to visit so that I can “practice” my dream?

Okay…so maybe I’m getting a little too excited here. I mean, after-all, I also want to learn photography and tennis. Amazon also happens to have the Canon T2i on sale. And the best part? It has a custom menu for beginners…like me! How brilliant is that!

Now that’s just great! I got a little side tracked and now I have access to two things I’m itching to learn, and only time for one.

What to do, what to do…

It’s like I have a voice on each shoulder duking it out.

The Angel is painting a visual of wine vineyards, French market places, and the satisfaction of completing a long-time goal…

The Devil is telling the Angel to piss of because I can snap a picture as soon as that new camera arrives. Immediate gratification at it’s finest.

The Devil won.

Every time I pull out the box of Cheerios, our dog comes running. You see, Cheerios has become one of her favorite treats. And to clarify for all…she does not get them every day, and it’s not an entire bowl full when she does.

My daughter can’t believe that I feed them to her. She’s beside herself at the mere thought of a dog having Cheerios. Now keep in mind that this is the same girl who thinks dressing her small dog in a Juicy Couture sweater is fashionable. I mean hey, she already has a pink spiked collar…which is a complete joke to anyone who comes in contact with her. Our dog is just not capable of being mean. Forget being a watch dog, she’ll let anyone through the door. The only thing she’s interested in is food, a walk, a blanket, and a group hug.

I do however draw the line at my daughter painting our dogs toe nails. The simple thought brings to mind images from the movie Best in Show. While it’s a very well done movie, the nail painting represents a dog as more of an accessory. She’s not a purse (although travels comfortably in one).

I feel like we’re digressing here. Back to the Cheerios.

Yes…I admit it. I feed my dog Cheerios, and I do not think that I need to go to an anonymous support group to correct my habit. I’m not giving her Cheerios dipped in Chocolate. It’s oats and sugar! How bad can it be? 

To help show that I’m not completely out of my mind I Googled the question “Is it okay to feed my dog Cheerios”. Over 6.6 million results came back with an overwhelming number stating that it’s the best human food you can give a dog, and it’s great for training!  Woo Hoo!! I’m providing a healthy treat for her without realizing that I’m one of millions who do the same thing. I AM NOT ALONE!

Here’s a clip of another dog enjoying some tasty Cheerios…

Hmmm…now my mind is racing. What else can I give her that would be reasonably healthy. Is trail mix too harsh? She likes peanuts. Raisins would be bad. M&M’s are out. Frosted Flakes maybe? Back to Google…

I’ve talked myself up, adrenaline is kicking, and I’m ready to show no mercy. I’m going to cook!

Okay…so the last several times have not gone well for me…but I’m feelin’ it this time. I’m in the moment. I CAN DO THIS!!!

Pre-assembled salad from the drug store – check

One boneless, skinless chicken breast – check

Seasoning…hold on…checking the cupboard…we have salt – check, pepper – check, thyme? – check, ground cumin? – check, wasabi fumi furikake (what is this stuff?) – uncheck,  juniper berries (seems wrong) – uncheck, red chili pepper (now that’ll add some kick) – check, cayenne pepper – check

Now to start cooking…do I use oil…hmmm…not sure. Sounds greasy. I’ll skip it.

What temp do I cook it at? Google!  That’ll help…one of the top Google hits comes back with an answer from About.com:

Many experts recommend that chicken breast meat must be cooked to an internal temperature of 170 degrees F, but others say 160 degrees F is fine. You will have moister chicken if you cook to 160 degrees F. According to Dr. O. Peter Snyder, the chicken has to reach a temperature of 160 degrees F for 5.2 seconds to kill pathogens. Now the USDA is recommending that, because of bird flu fears, chicken should be cooked to a temperature of 165 degrees F. Remember that the meat will continue to cook after it's removed from the heat; the internal temperature will rise about 5-10 degrees in the first few minutes it's off the heat.

WTF does that mean?? Is it telling me to probe the chicken before I even know what temp to start this bad boy at? Do I turn the dial to Medium, High, or Low…or do I move to the oven. If I move to the oven, what temp do I set it to. Does this seem circular to anyone else?

(Sigh)

No…I CAN DO THIS! I’m going to take the bull by the horn and be decisive. I’ll probably forget I’m cooking if it goes in the oven, so the stove top it is, and I’m setting it to medium (it’s in the middle).

There. It’s on.

I wonder if I need a lid.

Dang…this is SOOOO complicated. How do people just know how to do this?

Wait…I forgot to season!  Here we go!  I’m working through my checklist and each seasoning smells great. Not so sure about the smell that’s building though. Hmmm…is it normal for the aroma to burn my eyes? I need to open a window. It’s getting pretty strong in here.

MY EYES CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! This chicken has got to go! Crap…now how do I get rid of hot chicken? Is it wrong to dump it down the trash shoot straight from the pan? There’s got to be something around here…searching…still searching…found something…an old jar. That’ll do it!  I’ll put the chicken in a jar, then the jar in a plastic bag, tie the bag to prevent too much leaking, and toss it down the shoot. No need to make the neighbors eyes burn too.

Why is the dog watching me like I’m crazy? At least I didn’t make her try it this time.

I’m getting take-out.

We’re almost there. Chelsey graduates from high school next week!  Whew! We made it…through blood, sweat, and tears we made it. She keeps asking me if I feel old, and I keep telling her no. How can I feel old when every time I look at her I see a 5yr old in pigtails with big blue eyes staring back at me?

This point does make her sitting in the drivers seat with new permit in hand a bit nerve racking…but I keep all screams to a minimum.

Hey…when’s the last time you saw a 5 year old behind the wheel?

Aside from my mental block around her true age, I’m absolutely stoked about next week. She has her graduation dress purchased, plans for celebrating in the works, and family and friends anxious to see her move into the next phase of her life.

Maybe when she turns 18 in the fall it will be a little easier for me to see her as a grown woman…or maybe my mental block will only allow me to see her moving from ages 5 to 6. Will I see the present her as she’s handed her diploma, or will I see the youngest person to ever graduate from her High School walking across the stage?

What I can be sure of is that I’ll be one of those crazy excited moms yelling “that’s my girl!”, wildly taking pictures of everything and everyone, eyes flooding with tears, wondering why she keeps hiding behind the person standing next to her. Okay…they’re flooding already. I need a tissue.

Greyson Michael Chance is 12 years old, in the sixth grade, and can belt out this song just like GaGa. He’s featured at his school’s recital and has been invited to perform on “Ellen”. Normally sixth grade recitals showcase young children, off key, off beat, and for the most part doing their best to impress family and friends as they learn what it means to truly be nervous. It’s easy to forget that Greyson is only 12 years old. Impressive.

It’s hard to find something that can bring the craziness of life to a screeching halt. Enter, the stomach flu…where the only thing that matters is sleep and distance to the toilet.  Oh, don’t start saying ewww…we’ve all been there. It’s an unfortunate and ugly part of life.

So here we are. The only semi-edible thing in the cupboard is a small box of graham crackers. We both have a fever, cold chills, body ache, hair standing in every direction, and Safeway.com has no available deliveries for today. There’s a bit of a glossy eyed stare down as we realize that one of us has got to try to go out to get bland food and something to keep us hydrated, all while praying that nothing more comes up in the process. I think it’s going to come down to rock-paper-scissors.

I heard about this today and just had to see if it actually exists…and yes, it does. It wasn’t hard to find. I just Googled “Bling band-aids” and it came up with 61,900 results. Holy Crap! Maybe I’m a little late to the game on this one but this is utterly silly.

They come with Swarovski crystals, packed in a special tin case!

What is the world coming to?  Do we really need to bling out our bleeding, open wounds?

…hold on

…maybe they’re on to something 

I can totally see my 17 year old daughter sporting on of these. Maybe not on her face like the model in the picture…but I can see it. Hmmm.

Check it out…

http://www.woohome.com/home-gadgets/swarovski-bling-band-aid