Somethin' about nothin'

When I was young I did not have the a-typical view of what my life would be like when I grew up. My sister would describe a beautiful house, family, flowers, a perfect yard, and then go into great detail about what her home would look like inside and out.  Sometimes the color combinations were questionable at best, but we were young and my sister's image of her ideal home matured as she did.  I on the other hand had a much different vision. Sure, I dreamed of my home having flowers, green grass, and being beautiful inside and out...but my flowers were being tended to by the grounds keeper, the green grass was at the local park, and the beauty inside and out was from the building staff polishing the floors and walls until it sparkled.  At my front door was a doorman. He had a sharp, crisp suit and a smile to greet me. This is what I had always visioned.

Yes, my dream home was a high-rise, smack dab in the middle of a large city. I could almost feel the hustle and bustle of this city in my day dreams. What I didn't understand then, but do now, is what the draw was....and I'll tell you, it's the vibe. I love the way a big city feels, the way it moves. Each neighborhood has it own story to tell, and the people...oh, the people.

I'm lucky enough to live with my family in the San Francisco area. A big city different from all others, and one of the most naturally beautiful areas on the West Coast. Sure, every big city has it's ugly side, and let's not forget the traffic. I spent the day up in the Sacramento area for work, and what should have been a 2 hr commute home was almost 4 hours. My dear mom worries about how much time I spend in my car and is baffled as to how I could enjoy spending at times up to 7-8 hrs alone just driving. The answer is two fold.
1 - I enjoy being out and meeting new people, and I find the drive relaxing (yes, even in traffic)
2 - It's the view. It's beautiful in every direction.  (okay, so that was more like 2 1/2)

When I drove over the Bay Bridge today, the sun was shining over San Francisco. Just beyond the tall buildings was the thick marine layer moving in. The Golden Gate Bridge had already been engulfed and it was only a matter of time until the thick blanket would cover the entire city. Couple that with sailboats out on the glistening bay, and the sun starting to set, forming a colorful backdrop to the skyline. We do not have a doorman, but when I see that, I know I'm heading home.

Let me just start out by saying that I love dogs, big dogs. I have dreamed about owning a Great Dane, and who wouldn't? They are gorgeous gentle giants...okay, unless you're a small child and standing between this massive dog and it's bone. Can you picture it?

Many years ago a stray chihuahua came into our lives and my daughter was in love. Now, keep in mind, the first time I saw this little dog my initial thought was that she's got to be the ugliest thing I'd ever laid eyes on. I mean hey, she's no Great Dane. She was thin, 1/2 bald, and has buggy eyes, bat ears, long spindly chicken legs, rat feet, and moles on her face. This to me sounds more like a character out of a bad children's cartoon and not like my vision of our next family pet.

We searched everywhere for the owners. We posted ads, looked in the papers, checked with the local vets, pet stores, and the SPCA. No one had responded. I sat down next to her in a bit of a huff and there she was, looking at me with those big buggy eyes of hers, batting her lashes, and letting out a very faint whine. It was as if she was pleading with me to let her stay. I continued looking at her and thought, she's not so bad. She's actually a very sweet dog, and my daughter adores her. I looked away. What am I thinking? I look down again, but this time I see something different. This time I see her personality, not the ugly dog that I saw before. Suddenly she was cute, funny, cuddly, sweet, fun, easy to control when excited, easy to bathe (hold her under the faucet with one hand), quiet. Where was all of this coming from? Why was this new view taking shape? Am I getting soft in my old age? I mean, who really wants to be pegged as a Paris Hilton wannabe, toting a small dog around. We don't live in L.A. where there's some insane idea that a dog is a fashion statement. And come on, it's not like she plays fetch. She's almost part cat. You give her a blanket to burrow in and she's happy for hours.

After arguing with myself for quite some time, I eventually came to realize that I too was smitten. This once ugly duckling of a dog had blossomed into a beautiful 7lb chihuahua. So what if this blossoming change took place in my head. To me it was real. And so now I sit here on my couch with a small lump under the blanket next to me. I hear an occasional small sigh sing out from the blanket and I pat the lump to reassure her that I'm still near by. How did we end up with a chihuahua again? It's easy. We found her a home.

It's always something monumental that forces most of us to stop and enjoy what's right in front of us...and to ponder how we ended up here, where we are right now, in the first place. Many of us have lived through a loved one being ill, and each experience is different. Why is it different? Because what we know and what we surround ourselves with is unique to the person living it, and only that person. Two people may have the same diagnosis, but how they react, their family situations, and their support groups are all different.

My family has had two people in the hospital in two days. In three weeks time five of us have been to the hospital. It forces me to think back several years ago when it was just my daughter and I against the world. We were facing it head on...and it was exciting and frightening at the same time. Both of us were young, and both of us have become who we are today as a result of our choices.

I can say that for the first time in my life, I have the absolute love, respect, and support from my partner. When I receive news that moves me to tears, good or bad, I know that I will not experience that alone. He is right beside me. To be able to say that I am not alone is a huge statement for me. There have been times where I absolutely needed someone. Anyone. I have hit bottom, and then climbed out alone, and had no one to share my victory with. I have made choices both good and bad in my life and all of those choices have made me into the person I am today. I am a mother, a companion, a lover, a fighter, a survivor, a navy brat, a daughter, a sister, an identical twin, an individual. I am me.